Fiona 的个人资料Wishful thinking...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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5月29日 Things that make me irritableI have a lot to do. I really do.
Never mind, out tomorrow with M, which will cheer me up immensely. In the meantime, I can't find music to suit my mood or anything and I'm just generally feeling pissed off with the world at large, so I think tonight is the night to do something I haven't done in a good while now, mainly because I haven't needed to, but partly because I haven't had the time. That's not to say that I have particular reason to need it now, just that I have time and inclination. Tonight is the night for the Good Cry.
The reason "You Must Love Me" from Evita is such a good song is that it is not your bogstandard rather rubbish love song. It has a wonderful violin part, for one thing. For another, it is the last desperate realisation of a dying woman that not everybody is like her, not everybody is out for themselves and will abandon anyone who is of no use to them. "Scared to confess what I'm feeling/Frightened you'll slip away.../You must love me." Which, for a woman so used to being VITAL, being seen as vital, who is suddenly confined to her bed with cancer knowing that she is so weak and about to die and moreover she can do nothing about it... it's a bit of a revelation. Suddenly the whole foundation of pretense that she's built her life and her image so precariously on turns out to be true, and she can rely on it.
Sometimes people pretend they rely on things, but really don't feel like they can. And I've been there before, most autumns actually, and it's horrible. "If I stopped lying, I'd just disappoint you" etc (that's not from Evita).
Anyway the point of this is... not what you think. I'm not saying how terrible I feel, because I don't feel like that at the moment, not in the slightest. I'm not introducing a caveat, aka, BUT my life is amazing at the moment so good for me. I'm not trying to provoke an emotion of any sort in you, I just want you to know why the song always makes me think, and maybe you'll hear it at some point and realise that actually, ACTUALLY--
Screw it. I can't explain. I have no words. Sorry.
I give up for the night. What a pointless load of shit. 5月27日 Sex before marriageOccasionally, you read something that someone has written, on a topic that a lot of people have a lot of opinions about, and you want to start screaming GROW UP AND START QUESTIONING. Argh. I wish people would.
And don't you go all pious on me and say yeah it's really closed minded not to want sex before marriage at all, you ought to start questioning as well.
First of all, what does it mean? What is the real point? Biblically speaking, having sex is symbolic of the giving of yourself in your entirety to one person, physically, emotionally, the lot. Marriage is the joining together of two people so that you share everything with them. Neither of which is to be taken lightly.
These days, in the society we have now, neither of these means the same thing. I don't know why, but I daresay I could come up with a few ideas were it not 10.30 at night. People can have long-term sharing relationships without being married. They can have sex without giving anything. It's about what it means to the individual, or, just as importantly the couple.
Now I don't know about once and once only, but I can't see for me personally there being vast numbers of people that I actually feel comfortable sharing myself in my entirety with (split infinitive, if you're watching) and that's the point, really. The point is that you shouldn't show off your whole being to any old person.
Plus, the Bible was written by tens of different people and subsequently edited over 2000 years by the literate and politically-minded. This is coming from a Christian. So really, pinch of salt might be worth using?
On the other hand, at least I've thought about it and decided that this is what I think. So I would recommend saying, "Actually, you're completely and utterly wrong, and here's why...." just as long as you fill in the gaps properly.
Love, hugs, and passing on the common sense. 5月23日 Things that happenIt's a little gone ten o'clock, in the evening, and I'm sat in the corner of my room that has intermittent internet access, with headphones in so that other people can't tell I'm listening to music and either get annoyed that they can't sleep or have a go at me for abandoning the ironing. I'll keep going tomorrow morning, I just can't face finishing it off right now.
It's something I shouldn't forget, but I always seem to: there's no such thing as a perfect day, not in this household. If it looks like it'll be fantastic, if until about 8pm it is fantastic, those last four hours of the day will make up for it spectacularly. My thanks this time go to Pirates of the Caribbean, the trains network, and PMS. Not mine. It goes a bit like this:
So I'm not overly happy.
Other than that, however, today has been superlative. The best company, Murder By Death and then some.
I read somewhere that in this age of typing things and the internet and similar what have you that one of the most intimate things you can show someone is your handwriting. Not only must examiners up and down the country be almost orgasming with delight, but I can look at the page of song names in front of me and feel comfortingly obsessive.
Half past ten. Screw it. I'm going to bed. I won't sleep, but it's better than nothing. 5月20日 Long time no seeWell, haven't I been a bit rubbish about updates recently? You're not the only ones, it's because I've not been writing much diary for the last few weeks either, which in turn is a result of only having eleven pages left to last me three and a half weeks, depending upon how lucky I am and whether somebody is lovely enough to buy me the non-lined leather bound Globetrotters one I've been staring, and occasionally drooling, at in WH Smiths for the last few weeks... and been hinting at fairly dramatically. It's very nice, you know. Very... Flannery Culp. And you either get that reference or laugh at it. Or both.
Anyway, the main point is that I apologise and shall be a bit more conscientious in future.
So how to describe the last few weeks? I've no idea. There's a lot of it. No more macebearing for me, ever, which is a shame... and let's not mention the E--- word, but on the other hand a lot of good stuff and - shockhorror! - I'm now actually relatively okay with the way I look for once which - shutup, yes it is a big deal - is about time too.
And yesterday I slept in and listened to Vernon Kay talking shite on Radio One and made scrambled eggs and raided Lush in Southampton in the best company and talked about things I've never talked about with anyone before. And today I went to church and made teas and am currently curled up on the sofa listening to Tori Amos feeling happy with myself. My plan for this evening is to take over the bathroom for two hours, use up all the hot water and make the whole house smell of lemongrass and cocoa butter and peppermint.
Life does not get any better than this.
Someone handed me a flyer this morning, for the church choir concert, on 16th June at 7.30pm. You may or may not know the reason I find this a bit of a joke.
And one other thing - I've skipped a bit on the novel front, seeing as I can't get into London for a while, so I've skipped to the next interesting bit, who happens to be called Mark Reynolds. He was always going to be called Mark, ever since he first sidled half-formed into my mind five years ago and beamed in the genuine, uncomplicated way he does. The first person I ever loved.
There is quite enough irony in the world for the time being. 5月13日 Election time againHurrah for election time, politicians making utter prats of themselves to prove that they should be allowed to run the country. Hurrah for leadership elections. Not as much scope for running round with vans and megaphones, but, hell, near enough. Let's all listen to the News Quiz and be thankful.
Having said which, Gordon Brown is growing on me, I actually think he'll make a better prime minister than he's given particularly much credit for. Admittedly that's partly the fault of ideas such as this, which is brilliant: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6650639.stm, but also I think he's got a pretty bad press for no real reason except that, well, it's the Labour party and at the moment Labour Equals Blair. Not for much longer though...
Just because I feel that note should be made of it as much as possible, I have had the most fantastic weekend imaginable. Seriously, incorporate not having to go home and work on Sunday afternoon and it would have been absolutely impossible to better.
Missed Eurovision, though. Ah well. Wouldn't have changed last night for the world.
Right, that'll be enough for tonight. Sleep well everyone. The world is quiet here, and all that jazz. 5月10日 EurovisionSemifinals. As we speak. And I'm sorry if you don't like them - no, Europop isn't routinely my thing as well (no, HONESTLY, it's not) - but seriously, this is pure European standard CLASS. For several reasons.
And this is having turned the television on for fifteen minutes only. So, yeah, this is how I spend my evenings while my sister is on Bebo and my parents are away seeing Germaine Greer talk about equality and the Latin pronunciation of the word vagina. 5月3日 NOOOOOOOONot in the least bit impressed.
They've stuck up a new Plot :) yay muchly (so what, I've been an avid Neopets plotter for years) and it's starting THE WEEKEND I'M AWAY which no doubt means I'm going to miss loads and loads and have to spend next week not revising to catch up - yes I know, priorities, A levels, whatever, not amused in the slightest.
So that's Doctor Who, an excellent Monday and a Tyrannia and/or new city plot that I'm missing.
This had better be bloody good. |
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