Dear :

You've just gone offline from where we were talking about something incredibly important to me.  I don't think you quite appreciate how important that is.

 

Surprisingly enough, I came to you for another perspective, I came with the hope of finding answers, and finding them myself.  I hoped you'd be open with me, and help me through it.  It's not often I am baring my soul to you.  It really isn't.  So please do me the courtesy of telling me what you think.  That was the whole point of me talking to you.  And now you have gone offline, no explanation, nothing, and I am left here.  I have been abandoned again.  Which is just what I was afraid of in the first place.  I thought you'd help me round it, not dump me in it again.  How often you do this to me... just leave me behind to cope with it on my own.

 

And now there is the worry of what you've "learnt".  Don't tell me I "need to work it out for myself".  Do you know quite how horrible that is?!  I already told you I'm not sharing that with the people I tell everything to.  Why are you making me cope with that added pressure on my own too?!  Now of all times?  If you have your reasons, do not make them "dramatic effect".  I know you would because I know I would and you think like I do in that respect, you are a cat, not a mouse.  I am a queen, not a pawn.  And you had BETTER NOT be doing this for dramatic effect.  You had better have a reason planned out.

 

Please don't leave me like this.  I am panicking- shit, what am I doing crying?!  I don't cry over you.  I can't cry over you.  I promised last time I wouldn't.  Please don't abandon me again.

 

 

Dear :

It is Wednesday.  Two days.  I am already worried.  See what you do to me?

 

But I don't.  I don't know.  I don't.  Not yet.  Or- what?  That was what I needed help finding out...

 

Ohgodpleasedon'tletmecryagain.

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results Gregariousness ||||||||||||||| 42% Sociability |||||||||||||||||| 58% Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Poise |||||||||||||||||| 54% Leadership ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Provocativeness ||||||||||||||| 46% Self-Disclosure |||||||||||| 38% Talkativeness ||||||||||||||| 46% Group Attachment |||||||||||||||||| 58% Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 52% Understanding |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Morality ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Pleasantness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Empathy |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Cooperation |||||||||||||||||| 54% Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Tenderness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Nurturance |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Accommodation ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Conscientiousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Efficiency |||||||||||||||||| 54% Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Purposefulness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Organization ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Cautiousness ||||||||||||||| 46% Rationality ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||| 58% Planning |||||||||||||||||| 58% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 59% Stability ||||||||||||||| 50% Happiness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Calmness ||||||||||||||| 50% Moderation ||||||||||||||| 42% Toughness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Impulse Control |||||||||||||||||| 58% Imperturbability ||||||||||||||| 42% Cool-headedness ||||||||||||||| 42% Tranquility ||||||||| 30% Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 47% Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Ingenuity ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Reflection ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Competence |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Quickness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Introspection ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Creativity |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Depth ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 73%

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So now I'm interested to know what you think of that because... it doesn't seem quite right to me.  Ah well.

 

Spent today revising as well as...

 

I saw the Da Vinci Code yesterday.  Was very good, but got me thinking.  There are no likely intellectual challenges around at the moment... well, I mean there are a lot of them, but I want something with an ANSWER.  So I am writing my own.  If you want something done properly, they say, do it yourself.  All I can say is, if you've never Kippled, you will have soon.  And that's in the Old Chestnut sense of the word.

You are Grounded

You are one of the fortunate few people who is perfectly content with themselves. Though maybe not overly confident, you don't struggle with any significant insecurities and are certainly not shy. You aren't emotional, and though this makes you seem uncaring sometimes, anyone who gets to know you a little better knows there is a whole load of emotion just beneath the surface, you just control it very well.

The downside of being so balanced is you don't readily throw yourself off balance, like falling in love, for instance. You lack the capacity to be creative in a truly original sense and need someone else to bring flair and individuality into your life, or else run the risk of having your life become mundane and boring.

As you are so steadfast and capable, you can be a rock for a less secure person. You love being supportive and helping and could give yourself forever, as long as you got a little back. It doesn't take much to keep you happy, and when you do fall in love you are wholeheartedly there for your partner through all the highs and lows life throws at you.

Most compatible with: The Dreamer

The Dreamer is the polar opposite to you. Overly emotional, unstable and unbalanced, they are far from the secure person you are, but they have an artistic side that you will never have. They can see beauty and romance in everything, things you would take no notice of. Though you will often struggle to see eye to eye with the Dreamer, the intrigue and mystery that surrounds them and the colour they bring to your life will keep you holding onto them forever. After all, opposites attract, neh?

Least compatible with: The Submissive

The Submissive is only interested in serving their partner, and as you are an independent person who likes doing things for themselves and has no need for someone to depend on, a relationship with the Submissive is likely to irritate you to no end.

Your song is: This is the Last Time, Keane

...Except the will which says to them, "Hold on."

 

Rudyard Kipling's If - god that always makes me a bit melancholy... and then I really shouldn't be listening to this music.

 

I'm having a bit of a weepy moment right now, sorry.

 

The best thing for me when I have a moment like this is to write it all down.  WRITE IT DOWN.  Because I can understand myself better than anyone else has the oppertunity to.

 

Some people get annoyed with me for that.  They want me to tell them when I'm upset, maybe I do the same for them, maybe they're just lovely people.  And I'm sorry if I don't.  It's just that I know myself best, and I don't need a listener.  That's not an "I can't cope with it" don't need, that's a really don't need.  Because if I want to tell people things, I tell them.  They know.  It's just sometimes... that's not the case.  I just need to think... to immerse myself in the music... I'm not bottling things up, I'm just going with the flow for a bit... and being with myself.

 

I am happy being down for the moment.  It is how I am.  Not sad, not depressed, just down.  This is how I let go.  I will save my worrying for later, because that is not what this moment is about.  This isn't feeling, it's thinking.  I don't numb myself... I don't forget... or ignore... I just live.  Right now, I am accepting.

 

Thank you that I am not alone while I am renewing my sanity.

 

 

Mum's sad at the moment.  Lily's going to Segovia tomorrow.  That makes me sad... she's taking over one of my most quiet, personal memories... and she's leaving us.  And I have to fill her gap for the next week.  What a responsibility that is, filling the gap for two of us.  She is twelve.  I am fifteen.  I have to be twenty-seven between us.

 

But I can get there.  I can manage.  It isn't a case of managing.

 

Shh...

Wonderful wonderful Eurovision.  We all love it.  Especially when we are in an Enthusiastic (or should that be euphemistic?) mood.  Good for Finland (who by the end of the evening I was convinced were called Finland Doos Pwats... or that's what the French lady kept saying...)  And didn't we all secretly think the chavs on tables and 40-year-old singing "Teenage Life" were either very ironic or actually quite good?  For Eurovision, I mean.  Go on, admit it.  If you knew the words, you'd have been singing along.

 

And I really did honestly think Cat wasn't breathing.  Nobody takes me seriously at 11 o'clock at night.

 

I do apologise, by the way, for that telephone call...  I'm not entirely sure why I called you, except for that it seemed at the time to be a good thing to do.  Which reminds me, did you not tell me on Thursday evening that you would ring me with a reply about tomorrow... by yesterday evening at the latest?

 

Ah, the infamous Man Who Says He'll Call You.

 

 

THE COCKNEY ALPHABET

There is a lot to be known out there.

 

This is a 5-letter Vigenere.  If you're totally stuck ask me for the keyword.  If you're A, you have the magic applet I found, so if you're feeling nosy you can work it out yourself. :D

 

ZBOLJ NNIUW KMTPR AUBZW POSKL TWAJH EIUIH MYTKL TABFU KXAEG GFSFW UMEVK UQFRU EIUCO MITFX TXEIV ZUNUZ NUTZP YUYZQ MNECO SYHFZ RINXW NCSKD QYSZP OHTIL MOEUW NYTYL TAASR ANVZJ KHEIH YNHFX MBIJW NUTKK KGOIH ZYXKB UOHRY KNHVH GMIVU ZBEPD XYTFG KWIGK KLSFP GSBVL UOGYW ZIGFR TZOID HCTRE UOTDL YMIEJ ZULBL TATFB UOAJP AWHRW YWHFR RIRXX KMSZQ MNHRW YIMVE UXYNL ZBTYH OHIKL GFSCE OMACV UAOZQ MNORW ZYPDW ZIDVF OJHVU ZBIJP GSBVL YBOLO JDUJW RYAMH ONAKW NUT

 

 

I know you know.  Why beat about the bush??

 

That is not to you, D, although I still suspect.  It's the non-trusting in me, I'm sorry.  You hear the old excuses, you assume that's what they are.

 

Argh.

Odd.

 

Sometimes you're flying really high, so high that you're not noticing what's going on around you and you hit your head on the ceiling... and that's just what you need to bring you back to earth.  Because nothing's perfect, and sometimes I just need to remember who I am and where I am.

 

There are a couple of things I need to set straight with a couple of people.

 

1.

So I'm sorry for lashing out at you.  Really sorry.  I shouldn't have lashed out.  True, you touched one hell of a nerve and I still think it was atrocious, but part of that was timing, and things I have had to bite my tongue at in the past, and you can't help that.  Try and be slightly more aware of other people's situations and perspectives and whether you do that or not I promise I will try and think more before I blow up.  Just remember it wasn't completely irrational, and I'll remember that part of it was.

 

I just can't bear one or both of us leaving this place and still being on bad terms.

 

2.

This is addressed to several people.

 

Please.  PLEASE.  If I tell you things about myself that maybe I shouldn't do, take it as a compliment that I trust you and keep schtum.  It is NOT an excuse to blurt it out in front of god knows how many people (S) or dangle it in front of people's noses that you know (C and H).  Also if you know something, it does not automatically qualify you to know everything else.

 

This does not just apply to my secrets, I am sure everyone else would think a lot better of you if you applied that principle to things they tell you too.  I know nobody's perfect, and it is kind of hypocritical for me to say this, but everyone can try.

 

3.

It's not been a bad one, as weekends go.

 

Yesterday was fantastic... I'm getting new glasses!!  They're green :D:D:D and not as bad as that makes them sound.

 

 But it was also fantastic for other reasons, which you either know or I'm not going to tell you (and especially not you, H, I can picture that your eyes have lit up hopefully at this point, don't get excited) but -- it was fantastic, thank you.

 

I'd choose you over Hugh Grant dancing through Downing Street any day.

 

Haven't had a lie-in this weekend, been up half-eight both days.  That wasn't so good.

 

Nor was letting Albert (massive great fuck-off spider i have kept in a jar since Tuesday) go... I'll miss him... poor Albert.  I'll miss him almost as much as Lily missed Mark the snail.

 

But not quite.  I didn't know him for long.

 

But, other than Albert and my sleep deficiency, it's been a very very good weekend.

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"
It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all alone
In the dream of the proud
On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerised as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

And mesmerised as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

 

 

I really don't see why people accuse me of forcing it down their throats.  All I see is that, if you don't address it, you're a hypocritical coward, and you need to grow up.

 

The truth of the matter is that it happens, and there is nothing we can do to stop the fact that it's happening now.  But we can stop it happening tomorrow.

 

I'm not forcing it down your throat.  To do that, I'd have to make you hand over your wallet, or your bank details, or whatever.  Or force you to go and see what's happening, make you spend hours telling other people... I'm not doing that.  Nobody's doing that.  We're just telling you what's happening.  And if you do something about it, because of what you've heard, that's your decision.  You made it, I didn't.

 

Don't you dare say you were guilt tripped into it.  Don't you DARE say I made you.

 

And don't you even THINK of saying that millions of people dying a slow, painful death is boring.

 

 

Oh, and out of interest, you might go all condescending on me and say I'm doing it wrong, go all Highbrow Philosophical on me and ask what the problem with dying is, but that is ALL COWARDICE.

 

I know people who have died.  And I know quite how much that has hurt.  And how much premature death, pain, should be avoided.  And I intend to do something about it.  BECAUSE I CAN.

 

So if that's what you think, as far as I am concerned, you can go and die in a corner if you like.  Whatever you want.  I can't make you do anything.  At least you have the CHOICE whether you live or die.

 

And don't you DARE tell me I'm doing it wrong - unless you actually go out there and make the difference yourself.  At least I bloody TRY.  I try so hard.  And I'm not going to give up.  BECAUSE I, FOR ONE, AM NOT A QUITTER.  A HYPOCRITICAL, COWARDLY, CONDESCENDING, IMMATURE QUITTER.

 

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THAT HURT.  It's what's called Kicking Someone When They're Down.  Don't ever expect me to have the patience with you again.

 

 

IT WAS NOT A JOKE.

You know who you are.  Just think for a second.

 

(Eva:)
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it, wouldn't you?

So what happens now? (Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now? (Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to? (You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?

Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

 

So what happens now? (Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now? (Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to? (You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?

Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that's no consolation here and now.

So what happens now? (Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now? (Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to? (You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?

Don't ask anymore.

 

 

Someone should tell Evita she'll have the fall of her lifetime if she keeps going on like this.

 

 

I NEED TO GET A GRIP AND STOP BLOWING THINGS OUT OF PROPORTION.  I CAN'T DO IT, YOU HEAR?  IT'S NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO WHAT YOU'VE JUST ASKED OF ME.

 

AND I'LL LIVE WITH THAT.

 

PLEASE LET IT NOT MATTER... PLEASE LET IT BE OKAY...

 

I NEED TO GET A GRIP.  I'M SORRY.