Fiona 的个人资料Wishful thinking...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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3月28日 The temper wears thinFirst of all, a quick mention of how atrocious this whole thing with Iran and the fifteen captured sailors. Let's all pray for them to our respective gods or lack of same, and just hope that people can sort this rationally, reasonably and for the best.
On another note, I see from BBC News that the Lords have rejected the supercasino in Manchester. Hear hear, good for them. Having said which, it's rather signing their death warrant. If we voted for the Lords as well as the Commons, what exactly would be the difference between the two houses except for a constituency? Useless, useless.
Right now, interest in current affairs over. Back to the here and now.
Fucking hell. Is all I can say. Three hours in the company of overexcited Girl Guides and... the Scouts. Yep, they were there. We were out back in the youth club's area out the back - a main room and a balcony. Guides only allowed up on the balcony. Everyone allowed downstairs. Two girls who used to be Guides but are now Scouts, simpering over the boys and pouting that they're not allowed upstairs.
No, Fiona, of course you can't go out the front and watch the show. What do you take me for? It means I'd have to leave Mum all alone to control the kids. Guilt, girl, GUILT. So I was there for three hours. Headache.
They can't be controlled. Don't you see that? You can't try.
There were sweets. They belonged to the youth group. It was stealing. They shouldn't have done it, and we have to pay for it. But that doesn't matter, because we have to be so careful and Mum just SNAPPED, after a while, I won't forget it, her just shrieking "WHOEVER STOLE THE LOLLIES, I'LL HAVE YOUR GUTS FOR GARTERS!"
Sometimes I'm scared. Not of her, for her.
Two more days and all I want is a hug, and to fall asleep.
Sometimes it's the best thing in the world to fall asleep listening to someone's heartbeat.
Other times, you just have to remember that there are only two more days of it, I've managed to get out of the third day.
Thursday is my recooping day. I'll get there. 3月27日 Explanation.I tried to fucking explain but I just think you think there's something wrong with me. I know you think that. I know you sigh, and try to be patient. I'm not just a textbook case. And I don't think I'll tell you again.
And then, five minutes later, the control breaks, and I fall.
I'm going now. See you tomorrow. Bye. I'm going now.
Message sending failed.
Story of my life. Story of my fucking life.
The seriousness only dawned upon me this afternoon.
That's why I'm bloodshot.
"Lady, make a note of this:"... not bloody cynical, I don't know, maybe it's true. Or maybe it's not. I don't know, but I know I care. Which, if it's not close enough, is going to have to be. Because it's the best you're going to get for a few days.
Don't ask me difficult questions. 3月26日 EventsI went to Montezuma's on the way to the bus today. To get Dad's birthday present. But partly because of the personal challenge, it's Lent, I have two weeks left to go until Easter Sunday, and it's getting easy. Well. No it isn't, sometimes. But still, it's getting comparatively easy, so I thought I'd just to in, and see it there, in front of me, Look But Don't Touch, as it were.
This sounds like I've got an addiction, doesn't it? Well, I suppose I have, sort of.
I've been a bit quiet ever since. Defiant, because I resisted temptation, but there we go, I'd feel sick with myself if I hadn't managed it. But more quiet, because, really, it feels like my philosophy on life. Look But Don't Touch. Listen, give advice, but don't go on there and sort things out. Talking.
And then there's the whole question of naivity, or whatever way you want to spell it - the spelling's not the point. Occasionally, you get something that just brings you back to earth, and reminds you quite how limited your experience, and your mindset is. Just one of those "...Oh." moments. "Oh. I didn't realise. Is it stupid of me not to remember that some people might think of it like that?"
So there we go.
Other than that, I've had a pretty good day. That's a lie. It's been excellent. 3月22日 How to cheer oneself up in 8 hours or *FEWER*Here is how to do it, not so that one is incredibly happy, just so that life is back on the up after feeling utterly rubbish (see previous entry with reference to oxygen stealing):
You can now go back out into the world again and talk to people. And after a day of relative isolation to ponder about things, I was surprised quite how much better I feel for it. Amazing what a bit of consideration can do for one, be it incredibly unhealthy and actually quite vain/bitchy etc... hell, what does it matter? It's not like I was sharing it, so it wasn't going to hurt anyone. So if I've not talked to/texted you etc today, it's because I was moping, working and/or contemplating the meaning of life. It's okay, I'm done now. I feel completely detoxed. Well, not quite completely. I think I'll have an early night, just to finish it off. 3月19日 Frequently Asked QuestionsQ: Who puts the pressure on?
A: MUM AND DAD put the pressure on me to try my best, and also because if I fail now they will assume it is because of something that has nothing to do with it and basically not let me out of the house except to go to college. This is what will happen. LILY puts the pressure on me because she's musical and sporty as well as everything else, and also she got an award in her first year at KES in MY subject. MY DAD'S FAMILY put the pressure on me to prove that I'm not a baby any more. Otherwise I will be treated like one and it will drive me around the bend. EVERYONE IN ALL MY CLASSES put the pressure on me because I'm good at my subjects and if I'm suddenly not, or just don't care, I will never hear the last of it. SYMONDS puts the pressure on me because in two subjects now I have the possibility of a Cause for Concern hanging over my head like Damocles' sword, and if that happens Mum and Dad will think I've failed and therefore... oh go round and read it again. KES puts the pressure on me because I'm proving the bastards wrong if it's the last thing I do.
But I put most of the pressure on myself because I actually care about all of this. And that's my own fault.
Q: When is it alright to lie?
A: There are two attitudes to take to this, one is literary and the other is Spartan.
The literary attitude is that it is alright to lie if one calls one's lies Fiction, and explains it away by saying that anyone who doesn't appreciate it is a barbarian with less culture than a hamburger. The Spartan attitude is that it is fine, any time, any place, under any name, as long as one doesn't get caught.
Q: How much should one care?
A: This is a dilemma. If I care too much, that's wrong. It was less wrong at KES, because there it was alright to be clever, but at Symonds it's only alright to be clever if you don't do anything, or care about anything. Or at least that's how it seems.
On the other hand, if one doesn't care at all, one will die alone and friendless. On the plus side, one won't mind either way.
Q: Why do I only know about the wrong things?
A: Because you are a naive, control freak, stuck-up little girl and there's more to life than what you can learn by reading and observing.
Q: Is anyone still reading this?
A: I hope not, but I can list off the top of my head four people who will be. More fool you, my friend, don't you have better things to be doing with your life? Or am I in that sort of mood where I consider myself little more than an oxygen thief?
Q: Other than the obvious, a) what is the meaning of life, the universe and everything?
and b) what is seven times six?
A: On a biological level, the meaning of life is reproduction. On any other level, it is to make other people, or animals or whatever but I'll stick with people for the time being, as happy as possible. Maybe there's an afterlife. If there is, I'll swan about doing nothing and eating chocolate then. If there isn't, at least there's a possibility of being remembered in a favourable light. Seven times six is what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing, but a disagreement with computers and a lack of Further Maths A2 means that this is never going to happen.
Q: Why are you so obsessed with careers?
A: It's the control freak in me, sorry, I'd quite like to know what I'm doing at the end of next year. If it's starting to grate, bugger off and go read something interesting.
Q: Why do you never write about things you've been doing in your blog? I feel left out that I'm not mentioned.
A: First tip, if you want an answer, ASK. Secondly, this isn't about events, it's about outlook at the time of writing. If you want to know what I think, or what I would write were I likely to write it up where anyone can read it, ask me. It's not THAT hard.
"You come across a knight, a knave and a liar, standing at a zebra crossing. Suddenly, you realise you are parodying yourself." 3月13日 HaikuI am:
A library of
Gold-tipped, chocolate-dipped loose ends,
Sharp bends, fountain pens.
I feel:
Anticipation
Wish-list sort it out! FUCK YOU
PERFORMANCE STUDIES
A message:
Bored is for quitters.
You - I - we are not quitters.
I love you, okay?
Today was:
Careers. Yes, again.
Don't worry. Coursework. COURSEWORK.
Ex-polytechnic.
Tomorrow will be:
A flap, more coursework,
But no time, not missing out
On anything else.
And that's another thing:
Suicide bombers,
Short shorts, simpering wrecks, midge,
All make me ANGRY. 3月11日 MusingsWhat the HELL?! Apparently McFly have done a cover of Lola. As in the Kinks Lola. Yes, you hear me correctly. If I manage to find a copy of this, it may well be the funniest and most cringeworthy thing I've heard all day - and I've been watching last night's Fame Academy.
Either way, I was going to look a bit of a prat. It all depends how much one is willing to give up, and I think I've done the wonderful rabbit-in-headlights act again. I worry quite a lot about suggesting I know or think or understand more than I actually do, which probably happens, because I don't really... know. I don't do this very well, let's say, it'll take me a while to get into it. It's just a completely different thing to look confident and be confident.
Usually, I let Becca out and she says what she says and does what she does, and I just watch. It's difficult not to, she just slips out and I don't notice it happening until she's there. And I can feel her smiling and waiting for her moment, but neither of us has found it yet and if I have anything to do with it, it won't happen. Sometimes it's easier to just shut up than initiate the battle. She's a better chess player than me. But that's why I'm not saying much, probably.
My brain is utterly screwed up and I can't think straight at all. I think I may have to forego human contact this week in favour of sleep and coursework and getting the hell on with stuff. Not looking forward to it at all, but there we go, sometimes these things have to be done.
It's as if someone's stuck a hand in about the region of my lower lungs and is pulling everything out so that I feel simultaneously empty, painful and overflowing. I've spent most of this afternoon hugging a cushion... and only one possibly two people know what that means I'm thinking.
I'm going to go e-mail Henna. 3月8日 My Little Sister(written, as with so many poems of mine these days, on the bus)
My little sister. You're thirteen now.
In a few years' time, you'll try your first cigarette
- Maybe you'll love it, or maybe you'll hate it, I don't know -
You'll see someone sniffing Pritt Stick
Or Tip Ex (or stronger)
And feel what it's like to drink and forget.
You'll have your first kiss soon, little sister,
And feel that frothing in your throat
Of newness and lust.
There'll be boys, there are always boys,
And at the moment they keep their filthy hands off you,
But it won't always be like that.
Sleepovers with romcoms, face masks and popcorn
Will be replaced by parties, drunken gatherings,
Conversations late into the night,
Trying to work out what you have become
And why it used to be so simple.
Maybe you'll talk to me about it.
Maybe I'm your big sister and I won't understand.
Slowly, New Look and McDonalds
Will give way to River Island
And the most off-beat mainstream coffee shop in the high street.
Perhaps you'll find religion, or politics, or vegetarianism,
And cling onto it as a way of defining yourself
Or maybe you'll become a soundtrack
Of other people's music.
As time rolls on, your innocence will fade,
You'll emerge from the chrysalis of childhood
And I will smile to myself and think
That's one hell of a woman, and, more than that,
She's my sister. 3月7日 That's logic, that isYou meet three people, A, B and C. Each of them is a knight (always tells the truth), or a liar (always lies) or a knave (alternates between telling the truth and lying, although you don't know which they do first). You ask them what they are and they reply as follows. A: I'm a knight. Alrighty then. Explanation. If someone is a knight, they'll say they're a knight. If someone is a liar, they'll say they're a knight or a knave. If someone is a knave, they could say anything. Therefore the only type of person who could say they're a liar is a knave, who is lying. Therefore C is a knave, whose first statement is false and second statement is true. If C's second statement is true, B is telling the truth, and is always telling the truth (C's last statement). Therefore B is a knight. A is not a knight, because B said so, so A's first statement is false. A's second statement is false too because C is not a liar, therefore A is a liar. Summary: A is a liar, B is a knight and C is a knave. That wasn't too bad, was it? 3月6日 Enough with the doors alreadyRight. Here's the plan.
Nobody confuse me now. In the meantime, Dad's got me a lovely CD on Enigma which I look forward to memorising ASAP. (Not allowed near it til Saturday evening, which is pretty irritating but it means I actually get on with some work and, to be honest, my babysitting got cancelled but other than that Saturday's looking pretty near spot on.) Excellent afternoon, always good to meet up with people you haven't seen in a bit, and a dose of Elizabeth Arden moisturising lip balm (HA) and coffee is just what the doctor ordered. Lovely to see you again. If only I'd not left my phone at home, really, then I would have been able to concentrate on getting on with PS in my newly-free period after lunch. As it was, I gave up after a bit and just did some knight/liar puzzles. Addictive. You meet three people, A, B and C. Each of them is a knight (always tells the truth), or a liar (always lies) or a knave (alternates between telling the truth and lying, although you don't know which they do first). You ask them what they are and they reply as follows. A: I'm a knight. You smile knowingly, because you now know exactly what all three of them are. Which is good, really, because so do I. Answers by e-mail if you feel like it, solution posted as soon as I can be bothered. No, go on, have a go. And when you've concentrated for a second and come to your decision, look back at the moment when you weren't thinking about anything else in the world... wasn't it wonderful? I'm not going to talk about lunch. I didn't say much, really. Que sera sera. Best to say nothing at all and get on with it, really. |
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