"My name is Annie.  I've been with Laura and Dale.  The good Dale is in the lodge and he can't leave.  Write it in your diary."  (Fire, Walk With Me; Friday - Six Days Before)

 

One of the most interesting interpretations of a diary that I've ever come across.

 

Last night, I dreamed that three people, all of whom are dear to me and all of whom share a single name, found my diary, and read it, and in doing so committed the gravest betrayal they could possibly have committed.  I dreamed that a whole lot of things became a whole lot simpler because of what they read, but that nothing was the same again because they had looked inside my head and seen what wasn't theirs to see.

 

I have learnt many things in the last few days.  I have learnt what "maturity" means, and "devotion", and the reason why love can never be unconditional.  I have learnt that different people do different things at different speeds, and that there is no problem with going faster or slower than everybody else, so long as that is what you want to do.  I have learnt that it is okay to wait, and that trying to impress someone can lead to the destruction of something beautiful.  I have discovered that some people can keep secrets and some people can't.  Some things I have discovered first hand and some second hand.

 

I have worried myself out of my wits, and known in advance that something terrible was going to happen.  I have been abandoned, and I have worked solidly for two and a half hours non-stop without thinking of anything else, doing something that someone else should have done, and, indeed, thinks it was them that did.

 

In short, I have advanced a long way.  And I continue to advance.

Today has been, well, frankly, CRAP.

 

I think I have offended one of the last people on earth I would like to offend.  Which is horrible, really horrible.  I regret it so much.  It's just, on occasions, I can't cope with everything.  I back into a corner, and I can't speak rationally to anyone.  I fly off the handle, or I cry and won't talk... (talking of which, sorry H this morning.  Kind of put you under pressure...)

 

Two promises have been broken today.

 

One of them - you know who you are and what you've done.  You know I'm not forgetting it, not that easily, and you know how deep I was hurt.  Well, I hope you do.  And I hope you know why.  On the other hand, well done for getting back up and keeping going.  Thankyouthankyouthankyou for that.

 

The other of them, well.  It is normal to hate one's siblings at times, isn't it?

 

 

It's amazing how a few minutes of well-placed conversation can transform the most horrible day into something not so bad.  Thanks for that.

"One thing we have to get, John, out of this life." - Simon Armitage

 

In the last two days, I have done two of the few things that truly terrify me.

 

One was on the way back from swimming, in the woods, by the lake, in the dark... just me and I had to look out for Sara too... and we got lost and I really don't want to talk about that.  Got back in the villa (we were at Center Parcs btw) and I was shaking for ten minutes.  Reduced to tears for half of that.  Ironic, really, isn't it?  Camping's one of my favourite things in the whole world.  But I can't cope having to hold my own in the woods at 7.30pm.

 

The other thing... was going to visit my only remaining grandmother in her nursing home.

 

I will never end up like that.  I will never go somewhere like that... when I die I will be in control of myself.  That is a solemn promise.

 

NEVER.

 

 

On a brighter note... for the last ten minutes or so, tingles have been running up and down my spine... I will remember that image for weeks and I will smile.

 

 

I am safe again now.

If you are are terrified, but can hold your chin up and look brave - then brave you are.  Because bravery is the ability to quash your fear.

 

If you are helpless, weak, but can make even one person think that you're strong, you are strong.  Because strength is the ability to hide your weaknesses and present an unbreakable barrier.

 

If you are desperate, but can bargain your way, poker-faced out, out of any hole, if you can see Mount Everest and pretend it is a molehill, if you can be stabbed in the back and pretend it is only a scratch... then you can sleep at night safe in the knowledge that you have built your own foundation... and some day... some day soon... the castle will be built.  And it will be PERFECT.

 

If you are a mask around other people, be careful of what you let out.

 

If you are a mask around yourself... that is all you are.  I am sorry to say it.  That is It.  If you are wear a mask when there is nobody else to see, that is all you are.  A mask.

 

 

Dear -?

Why did you do it?  It was... well, it was stupid.  Why?  I know what you're doing, or, at least, I think I do.  And this isn't going to help anyone, not you, not her, not anyone.  Why won't you tell someone?  At least promise me you'll admit it to yourself.

 

Dear -?

 

As promised.  It's a monoalphabet C.S. and not that difficult lol you wait til you see the Vigeneres... so go!go!go!

 

Fi xxx

First of all I am not dead, which is reason to smile :D if you're in the mood for it... which currently I am.

 

Laughing... well... S... this is where you had your effect... "she's looking a bit sheepish..." "ha ha sheep" plus the series of events leading up to former... I'm sorry, girl done bad, but you have to admit... it was damn funny.

 

Plus H seems to think I have a curious affinity with Japanese people...  For anyone in our Spanish class, I'm not really like that.  I did not write an angry letter to the director of Memoirs of a Geisha for using Chinese actors... that is just her overactive imagination.  You should see some of the other things she's written (ha ha Alfonse :D I have a Henry!!!  All of my very own!!!)

 

Oh and Reading Scheme was interesting... drama with midgets isn't my idea of fun but there we go.  Only two weeks left which is going to be really sad, I'll miss them...

 

And H's done a Very Good Thing too...  I'm worried slightly about it but there you go.  Just be careful you don't hurt yourself, but I think it's a Very Good Thing.

 

I'm so happy I could burst...  YESSSSSS!!!!

I'm sure you know the story.

 

What happens when someone goes too far?  Someone inextricably linked with too many things to just cut off...?  What do you do?  Any suggestions (save neutering which I am already seriously considering...) greatly appreciated.

 

Another thing - for fucks's sake, DON'T ASK ME.  If I want to tell you something, rest assured, I will tell you it.  I will find the right time and you will KNOW.  BECAUSE I WILL SAY SO.  You are not entitled to know anything because "he does", because "you've told me stuff", or because "you won't tell anyone".  Trust me, I've heard that too often recently.  It means I don't trust you.  To put it perfectly bluntly.  Because I don't trust anyone right now.  Because I have an excuse not to.

 

AND NO FFS I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT EITHER.

 

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT I'M PERFECTLY OKAY.  OKAY??

 

I just need to get to grips with what I'M thinking before I start telling everyone else.  Sound fair enough to you?

 

Well tough.  Just don't stick anything else on my plate right now.

 

ESPECIALLY... well you know who you are.  You deserve everything you're getting, you know.

 

SHUT UP I'M FINE.

...Again.  In half an hour.

 

As I found out... approximately twenty minutes ago.

 

Bloody hell.  I could really do without this tonight but... I need the money, basically. 

 

And it's only Ella.  She's not so bad.  And I have tactics.

 

More updates later... with any luck.

 

Argh... I'd really rather be right here talking to...

Right.

 

Now I am thinking straight because I have had time to just sit back and think.  And that has done me the world of good.  And now I am rational, not as angry, and I can see that...

 

Well, look, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I really shouldn't get angry, I don't do it often...  If I think about this rationally... calmly... I can work a way around it.  But you're going to have to help me, here.  Please.  Play your part.  Don't meddle.  Will you do that for me?  Because I hate being angry, especially with you.  So help me.

 

And I'll try and keep a hold on myself.

 

I'm sorry.  Really I am.

You know who you are.  You damn know who you are:

You are SO LUCKY I didn't slap you today.  What the HELL have you been THINKING?!  Do you know QUITE how angry I am?  You don't know quite how much damage you've done, do you?  Do you??  Why are you doing it?!  For god's sake, WHY?!  What's the POINT?!  Can't you just keep yourself to yourself?  What are you trying to achieve?  Nobody thinks any the better of you, you're no better off...  I would have told you in three days anyway.  All you've done is lose several people's trust.  So it's worth that, is it?  Right, okay then.  Go ahead.  Go right a-fucking-head.

 

 

Yeah, I've had a really shit day today.  Partly because of *SOMEBODY* being a total idiot... partly because nobody gets the hell on and does things... partly because I have been called a liar for something I didn't do.

 

Partly because, although several people have offered, who the hell am I meant to talk to about this??  People either know too much already, or can't keep a straight face, or don't have anything to say, OR CAN'T BE TRUSTED TO KEEP THEIR BLOODY MOUTHS SHUT.

 

Is there no hope any more?  Nope, didn't think so.

 

Congratu-fucking-lations.  THIS ISN'T MY FAULT.

 

Thanks for asking.  I'm fine.

 

Don't touch me.  I don't NEED anyone.  And ESPECIALLY not...

Talk Like a Pirate Day Song.  GO HERE.

 

Several people may have noted that over the past few days I have been really quite happy... lot of grinning, inane staring out of windows, incessant crap poetry writing, that kind of stuff...

 

Well yes, some people know why.

 

Other people, however, don't.

 

I am quite happy to tell you.

 

Just not yet.  Okay?  Wait a week... I make that the ninth, right?  And then probably.  I'll probably tell you in a week.  You'll have to take my word for it.  Tell you what, if I'm ready in a week, I'll post it on here.  If I can.  Depends on circumstances.  Probably post on here :D  Until then... I'll be quite busy working it out for myself.  Wait your turn.

 

Seems fair to me.

 

Tell me if I sound stroppy.  Seriously.  Because I've just read that through and... oh well (yes and it's not funny to tell me I do as a joke.  Ha ha ha.  Laugh over.  Go grow up.)